Russia to annex Newcastle Upon Tyne

Russian tricolour flies over Newcastle City Centre

The Russians are coming to Newcastle! Following the events in the Crimea, it seems Russia may have its sights on territory in the UK, in particular, Newcastle City Centre.  Durak Aprelski, the self appointed spokesman and leader of the Emergency Committee for National Reconciliation of Russian Diaspora in Newcastle has announced today that the city of Newcastle upon Tyne has seceded from the UK and formally requested membership of the Russian federation.   

This has been done in order to correct historical injustices and anomalies, and represents the popular will of the circa 4000 population of ethnic Russians in Newcastle.

According to Durak, the legitimacy of Russia's historic claim on the territory of Newcastle city lies in the area around Stowell Street, known locally as China Town, which lies alongside the city's walls. These walls are part of an ancient fortress, or "Kremlin". The words China Town is a literal translation of the Russian words Kitai Gorod - which is the site of an old fortifications of the original Kremlin in Moscow. He believes that this area of the city derives its name not from the numerous Chinese restaurants located here but because is was once the site of a wooden Kremlin (Kitai Gorod) belonging to the Ancient Rus - before the existing city walls were built.   

Following accession to the Russian Federation, Durak Aprelski states that the rights and languages of all other nationalities in the city will be respected and protected, but warns that there will be a period of Russification. Until Newcastle is formally accepted as part of Russia, a State of Emergency has been declared and the Emergency Committee has drawn up a list of key buildings which will be taken over or renamed:

1.Theatre Royal will henceforth be known as the Bolshoi Theatre, and for the duration of the State of Emergency, performances of Swan Lake will be shown instead of the advertised schedule.




2.All Saints Church will be converted to a hotel and renamed Ukraine Hotel.

3. BT Hadrian Exchange Building to become the Telegraph Agency media centre known as TASS

4. The Central Arcade will become the State Universal Store (Gosudarstveny Universlany Magazin - GUM)

5. The shop "Cruise" on Princess Square to house the Palace of Congresses

6. Crudass Park to be renamed Izmailovsky Park

7. Newgate Street to be renamed Novy Arbat Street,  however, the territorial integrity and right of self-determination of the Malgosia's Polish shop in the Newgate Centre will be respected.

8. New Bridge Street to become Zubovsky Boulevard.

9. Police Station Market street to become a toy shop - Children's World: Detsky Mir





10.  Carliol House will become the Ministry of Defence for the People's Militia and The Emergency Committee.

On a more positive note, Durak Aprelski has ordered an immediate revamp of the Metro - initially installing chandeliers at city centre stations and having trains run every minute to all destinations.

People's Militia in training

Buran: triumph and tragedy of the Russian space shuttle

Another anniversary! It's 25 years since the first and last space flight of the Soviet Space Shuttle, Buran (Russian for snowstorm). An audacious copy of the American Space Shuttle, the Soviet's version of  a"reusable" spacecraft was, in many respects, technically superior and took only 10 years to develop (compared to 15 years for NASA's shuttle).  

It was an example of the triumph of Soviet technical know-how and expertise in the space race.  It was first space shuttle to perform an unmanned flight, including landing in fully automatic mode. The ability to fly the shuttle into space, have it perform two orbits then land it on a runway - meters from its intended destination, all on autopilot, demonstrated the technical brilliance of the scientists employed in the space program. 

This is how the old Soviet new agency TASS (Telegraph Agency Sovietsky Soyuz) announced it:

"November 15, 1988 was marked by the formidable success of the Buran space shuttle flight in Soviet Union. After the departure of the Energia launcher and Buran shuttle, the orbital shuttle was placed on its orbit, made two rotations around the Earth and finally landed on the cosmodrome at Baikonur . . . . . .It is the extraordinary outcome of the technology and science of our nation, opening a new way in the Soviet program for the space studies.  It was the first and until now the only landing in automatic mode of a shuttle in the history of the aerospace. This new and outstanding fact in the space conquest was gained brilliantly by the science and Soviet technology."

The automatic unmanned flight did, however, mask a serious flaw in Buran's design.  Although it was intended to carry as many as ten crew members, including four pilots, there was no room for life support systems on the shuttle, so they had no choice but to fly it in auto-mode.

Perhaps the Soviet electronics industry, driven primarily by military considerations, did not have the commercial impetus towards miniaturisation that their western counterpart did, and so could not shrink all that sophisticated equipment to a size suitable for a manned shuttle flight. 

I vaguely remember an old Russian joke which was a wry comment on the Soviet's obsession with gigantism in their propaganda: The USSR has created a new microchip – it's the biggest in the world!

A full size mock up which resides in Gorky Park, Moscow

The tragedy was that it was not economically viable for commercial use and, thanks to the end of the Cold War, its military role was surplus to requirements. The collapse of the Soviet Union effectively brought an end to the Cold War, but it was the consequent economic dislocation and squeeze on budgets in the new shrunken Russian state, which ultimately put paid to the Soviet space shuttle program.